How Your Assumptions About Medication Hurt Us All

I am not sure how it has happened, but somewhere along the line of today's views of medication, the world of mental illness has taken a hit.  I have wondered if I missed the boat on this, if sometime back meds were different and had a reason to feared, or worse, hated.  For some reason I always believed myself that medication was 'bad'.  I don't know how that was ingrained into my psyche or if it was taught, or just assumed, but it seems like medication for a mental need is treated much differently than the rest of the body.

Have you ever rolled your eyes at someone who needed medication for their cancer?  Have you ever wondered if someone was 'faking it' for attention if they needed medication for their heart? Or did you tell someone with diabetes to 'think positive' and skip the insulin? Of course not! But these are reactions that happen all the time in the field of mental health, and these reactions are hurting all of us.

Let me clear a few things up, because I have battled depression for close to 30 years, and some years were harder than others, some episodes simply didn't clear until I relied on my doctor and medication.  In fact, I am sure it has saved my life a number of times.

Anti-depressants are not 'uppers'.
I am not a doctor so I am not going to go into the explanations  (you can Google it when you are done here), but there is something physically different in the brain of someone with mental illness. It can be serotonin uptake or a problem with neurotransmitters or maybe something else, but it is REAL and it usually doesn't just go away.  In fact, one person I talked to who works for a pharmaceutical testing company told me anti-depressants won't help you if you are not struggling with some of these issues in the brain. So if you are sad after a death taking an anti-depressant most likely will not help you. However, if you do take an anti-depressant and you notice things looking better for you, chances are your brain physically had something going on. It's not like speed and it doesn't make you weird. Let's get that notion cleared up.

Anti-depressants do not make you void of emotions.
Someone close to me once said they were afraid if they went on medication they wouldn't have spiritual experiences any more.  I have heard people say they were afraid they wouldn't be able to feel anything if they went on a med.  Some people start meds and are shocked to learn they still have bad days and feel a little depressed occasionally. All of these ideas are misconceptions society has picked up along the way.

 Your soul is still in tact, your heart still beats, you still get excited and disappointed. Sure, it may not be a disappointment to the extreme (like a depressed person might be used to) but bad days can still happen.  In my life I still feel like ME- just a better, less-reactionary me.  I can observe my worthless feeling and let it go, reminding myself of the good around me.  I can have a thought of death enter my mind and SEE IT, and have the mental power to deal with it in a healthy way.  I cry if I'm sad.  I laugh when I am happy.  I feel things every day.

Staying on medication is not a sign of weakness. 
This one I wish I could shout from the rooftops: "If you need medication, stay on it!"  Too many people take their medication and 'feel okay', and tell themselves "I can go off this now".  I have felt the shame in admitting I take a medication, and I have had times when I didn't speak up when someone else was bad mouthing prescriptions around me. (Keep in mind, I am in the field of alternative healing, so I hear this all time.) I feel like I am aware of this general feeling that medication for depression, anxiety, ADHD and the likes has become a dirty secret, and because of that parents want to pull their kids off the first chance  they get, and adults want to stop taking their prescription at first sign of normalcy so they can quietly slip back into the world of the healthy, non-medicated society. This assumption is probably the most dangerous of them all.

 First of all, there is a reason you started medication and a reason it worked. There is a physical need here, and because of our shortsightedness we forget that.  If you are in this situation please reflect on what urged you to actively treat your illness, and honor that.

Secondly, pulling yourself off meds is risky and dangerous.  More risky and dangerous than people are willing to talk about (and they should be talking about it more).  It should be treated as seriously as the heart, diabetic, or blood pressure medication. Please, please, please, don't just go off  'cold turkey' and wreak that havoc on your brain. It can cause chemical changes, relapses in extreme thoughts, and even withdrawal symptoms that affect the brain.  Again, I am not going into the science of it, but it is real. I am in awe of how embarrassed people are in regards to medication for mental illness. The need to hurry and be done with it is palpable. I don't understand how society has created a scenario where every illness is acceptable except for the one that deals with our most precious and vital  working part. If we lose our brains we lose everything. I get it, because I feel it. It is a real stigma and chances are at one time or another in your life you have said or reacted in a way that added to this stigma.  That is the tragedy of it.

While it's true that medication can be a temporary thing and does not have to be a life sentence, any change in dosage or phasing out of it should be done under the care of your doctor and with lots of help and support from those around you. It is not a luxury, it is a necessity.

I have tried to be braver in my conversations about my mental illness. I have started telling people how I treat it, talking about it more, and sharing my experiences with a little more courage.  I'll admit, I have contributed to this stigma most my life through my fear to speak up and speak out.  As long as those who deal with mental illness are ashamed of it, and those who don't deal with mental illness give them reasons to be ashamed, our society will continue to see the rise in suicide and other erratic behaviors.  I just happen to believe we are all to caring and all to connected to let that happen.

Why You Didn't Know Your Friend Was Depressed

Most of us have had it happen....the conversation that reveals someone we know, possibly love even, battles depression and we didn't know it.  We think to ourselves...."but they seem so happy!" or ...."they are so fun to be around!"  and the news doesn't compute with what we know of that person.  I have chosen these statements because they are statements that have been said to me, when I was finally brave enough to tell someone that I have struggled with clinical depression for most of my life. I have even been surprised by the number of people I know who fight a similar battle, and I never would have guessed.  Here are a few reasons why the revelation of clinical depression takes us by surprise, as I have experienced in my life.

1-) Episodes of depression come and go.
I have gone as long as 2 years without serious bouts of depression hitting me.  I was naive enough (hopeful, maybe?) to believe I had been cured.  But it returned when I least expected it.  Most of my life has been a roller coaster of 'emotional times' and 'stable times', and when I was younger I just told myself I was a 'sensitive' person.  It wasn't until a doctor pushed for more information and I researched on my own that I realized I had all the major signs and symptoms of depression and had battled with them most of my life. So yes, it does come and go, and if you catch me on an "up" there would be no reason to suspect I could have ever had a brush with mental illness.  As I have matured I have also realized there are definite triggers, and the response to them is very real and very dramatic, but outside of that there is little reason to discuss my illness.

2-) Depression mimics (although it is in an unhealthy amount) normal emotions. 
Let me speak plainly.....if you do not suffer from clinical depression, you will have a hard time relating the reality being experienced by someone who does.  A crying fit to you may be the sign of a bad day, to someone with depression it may be the explosion that is expressing complete worthlessness and despair.  Retreating to your room in frustration to you may be a way to cool down, to someone with depression it may the start of withdrawal that begins an emotional downward spiral. Declining a social invitation for you may mean you need some quiet time....to the person with depression, it is a way to avoid contact and remain in the darkness being experienced.  You are seeing the tip of the iceberg in the depressed person, and you have no idea there is mass hiding below the waters because for you there never has been the bitterness of cold, frigid ice. Trust them when they try to tell you they feel depressed.

3-) They are living functioning and contributing lives.
Again with the iceberg analogy...... you see the tip of the life they present.  Sure, you may see the warning signs you have read so diligently about, like weight changes or withdrawal, but for the most part the times in my life when I have been most depressed I have also still functioned well.  I have showered, curled my hair, ran my kids from place to place, even lunched and laughed with my friends.  I can't say why I don't usually completely shut down, I just never did.  I don't know if I function out of habit or out of hope, but I do.  I rarely wallowed in my filth and let my life fall apart.  As a matter of fact, when my real battles with depression and death idealizing began I was in school, an honor student, singing the theme song for prom and cheering at the school basketball game.  But the clouds still rolled in and I didn't want anyone to know. So I lived and suffered mostly in private.

4-) The person you know with depression doesn't want you to know they have it.
Depression is extremely easy to downplay.  A quick little "that was a rough time for me..." or "I am struggling with that" is usually all I have to tell someone who is checking up on me after an emotional battle.  People are understanding when it comes to struggles.  What they don't understand, however, is real depression.  Telling someone you are struggling with serious doubts about the worth of your own life, or if you have the strength to face one more day, is a huge risk.  Not all are created equal when it comes to this news.  I have lost a friend or two who I knew just couldn't face the storms with me. And I don't blame them, it's not fun, and it's not easy.  It's even harder if you weren't aware of the problem (see opening paragraph), thus, we learn to hide it.  It's safer that way (not in reality, but we see safety in hiding) so we pick and choose very carefully who we tell, if we tell anyone at all.  In my experience, even upon the telling of our illness we will downplay it.  We desperately want to avoid the stigma, we want to be normal and we desperately want to be helped.  We just don't dare say those things out loud.

Because of the perceived risk in revealing this news, too many people suffer in silence.  Too many pull themselves together to face the world, but alone at home they crumble in shame, guilt, and agonizing pain.  The pain is the worst part of it, and while feeling it you are sure this is the only way you have felt and the only way you will ever feel again.  That is why ending the charade is so important.  As I have become more open about my illness, with my husband, my doctors, my church friends and even my siblings, it is easier to win the battles.  The storms still roll in, but I have many willing hands ready to hold an umbrella for me until it passes.  That is why if you find out someone you know and love has depression your reaction will make a difference, and it is why if you are struggling with mental illness you must take down your mask.

 When we work together, we can win these fights.

Please note, I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.
I just want to share experiences that may help you relate and support someone you know.
  Please reach out (even anonymously) if you are struggling with thoughts of self-harm, or keep this number for someone you know.

Suicide Prevention line 1-800-273-8255
or text the word "go" to 741-741

Real Life Depression

I have had a little voice nagging me lately to share some of my personal thoughts about depression.  I have light-heartedly referred to it in the past, and most of those close to me have heard me discuss it, but I have never really publicly opened up about the struggle I have had off and on throughout most of my adult life with depression.

Just over a month ago someone close to one of my children committed suicide.  We cried. We talked about it. We went to the funeral...... and the years I have spent drifting above the spell of depression started to come to a screeching halt as that experience rocked my world.  It seemed ridiculous that it would trigger such a response, but it did.  Now that the clouds have somewhat lifted from that fall (although I cried about that funeral and that dear teenager who is now gone this very morning) the nagging is back.
You need to share this. 
So here is some sharing.

I am a survivor of depression.  This is what it looked like for me:
crying spells that lasted for days - thinking about death and imagining floating above my own funeral - thinking of all the ways I was a bad person - thinking about my shortcomings, my fights with people, my weight, my looks, my failures as a mother - attempting on several occasions suicide (although never successful and in retrospect I see these more as expressions but not true attempts) - telling myself and people around me things would be better if I was gone - losing energy to get dressed or get up - and more....
 in the midst of all of this I acted fairly normal around others.

In the midst of all of this I also stayed spiritual and consider myself to be pretty devout in my religion.

This is the strange thing..... it wasn't a lack of faith that triggered these episodes, which occurred on and off for over 20 years.  I have faith. I love my Savior and Heavenly Father.  But depression is different than that- it is like the riptide current of a beautiful ocean- just waiting for you to wade in too deeply and so it can pull you under.  It is sneaky and it is constant and you can not just shake it off.  I validate and understand this about the disease.  HOWEVER there are things you can do to fight the riptides depression.

For me, a year and a half on medication did wonders.  It took two tries to find one that worked well, but the right one was what I needed for a particular battle I was having a hard time overcoming. After some time on it, I lived off it again, and then after a relapse I got back on. It can be a lifesaver, so pay attention if you think you need that help. Whether or not you are on medication the following things also helped me cope and endure my hard falls with depression.

1-) Realize hard times and sad thoughts are NORMAL and they are part of life.   Here's the reality- life is fair in that it is unfair to everyone.  The self talking that says your struggles are harder than other people's struggles is just a lie.  Life is supposed to be hard- it is a wonderful, brilliant learning ground for our souls, and would be ineffective if everything came easy. Stop telling yourself that your life is harder than anyone else's!   A better thought -
" this is a struggle for me right now.  I acknowledge it is hard, and that is okay."
Acceptance is a huge part of the journey. Resistance adds to the pain you are experiencing.  You hurt. You are disappointed.  You have had awful things happen. Welcome to life. Beauty is just around the corner....I promise.

2-) Escape into an uplifting and healthy activity.    There is a need to do things that make your heart sing and your soul happy.  Find those things, or if you used to have hobbies revisit them.  Spirituality is a big one for me, attending my church services and temple worship, plus home study of scriptures and gospel topics.  Art is another one- playing in paint and expressing myself on paper.  I also am an avid reader, a part-time (slow) runner, and letter writer.  All of these are good activities and many of them connect me with other people. Be wise and disciplined here.... video gaming alone (or on your phone), marathon Netflix watching and sad movie watching is not going to be uplifting or healthy.  Cutting, drug use, or alcohol use may feel like an escape, but these things are addicting and incredibly dangerous.  You want to heal, not get worse. The point is to do something that helps you celebrate life and makes you happy. I am sure we could talk about endorphins here, but really.....if it works the science behind it is just a side note.  Find something good to do and do it!

3-) Trust in God's timing.   I was a happy child.  Depression struck me smack dab alongside puberty.  Around 40 some issues in our family hit, and while dealing with those my depression literally subsided.  I am not going to go into details here, but suffice it to say some very spiritual experiences and sacred moments seemed to wash me, as they can you, and the obsession with death was completely taken out of my thinking patterns, almost 30 years after they were planted there.  Recently it has snuck back into my life, and I have had to be honest that this is an illness that most likely will come and go throughout my walk on earth.  I don't understand this and I can't give you a formula for success, but I can tell you this- one day all of us will be healed from our afflictions.  Peace will be more abundant if you are open, patient, and trusting in the will and timing of our God.  His timing is one of the hardest things for us to surrender to, but His timing is perfect.

In my journals I often reflect on 'highlights' of the past week or month.  While individual trials seem hard and certain days feel long, I am amazed by the sweetness of life.  When I take time to write down the magical, simple, and happy  moments I have had I am just overcome with the gratitude of a full life, a real life, and the chance I have to experience it.  I do this often now, and it instantly fills my heart with joy and makes me feel a little closer to heaven.

I hope something I have written speaks to someone out there.  I have no idea who you are, where you are, or how you are even coming to this blog- but it is for a reason.

God is aware of you.
Everything is going to be okay.
Keep fighting and never, ever, ever give up.

go here for inspiring thoughts and insight
Sitting on the Bench - thoughts on suicide prevention
Hear LDS leader Jeffrey Holland speak with power and truth about depression HERE
Suicide prevention - go here to chat, read, or call someone for help