The Need to Recommit (over and over again)

I wish I was better at sticking with things.

Especially things that work and things that make me happy.

It seems like a no brainer- BUT- for some reason all of a sudden you wake up and think - why did I stop doing ____________________(insert wonderful thing that was great) ___________?

For me, it was running.

You guys know I was never fast, and that was hard for me to do something that didn't come naturally, but I still really enjoyed it.  Or let me rephrase that.....I enjoyed what it gave me.

I felt fit, I looked better, I slept great, I was more relaxed.  I loved the way I felt after a run...or just the thought of "hey, I ran 6 miles this morning and I am doing fine today"..... those kind of things are amazing.

But two summers ago I burned out big time. I had a bad chaffing incident in places that shall not be named (laugh all you want, but I was down...I mean down for days, and I hurt for months). No details will be given on that....

Then the accident happened, and running felt frivolous and made me upset.

Then, my awesome running partner got pregnant and her health dictated no more runs.  Boo.

That equals.....hmm....a year and a half of no running.

Once my partner was up and at it ( a c-section, brave girl) we just registered for a half-marathon to get us going.

I really doubted this strategy once we started running.  We were much slower, needed to walk more, and I literally felt the extra pounds on my body with every step I took.  We loosely followed this great program that I found on Pinterest via anytimehealth.com

I appreciated that it had rest days and encouraged you to cross train (which I didn't do a ton of, sadly).  We skipped the first two weeks because we were already close to our race.  No worries- this really did get us ready. (Note- I didn't do the 12 mile run on week 8. I stopped at 11 miles. I hate feeling tired for a race, and the long runs sort of wipe me out. I hope as time goes on I can conquer this, but for now I accept it and don't fight it).

We were nervous for the race, and agreed we were just going to try and match our worst times that we had for a half-marathon.  I just wanted to beat my first race, my slowest time.  Well, the morning of the race, we felt good.  Surprisingly good.  We ran the Bryce Canyon Half, and can I say...it was gorgeous.  Lots of water stations (a must for beginners) and LOTS of porta-potties.  Really, these guys were great.

We decided to run together...and walk together. We knew we needed breaks.  We took them at the water tables.  We did great, visiting the first 4 or 5 miles, then putting in the headphones to find our groove for the rest.  

(my swiped photo from the email-  forgive me) I know it looks like we are walking- we aren't.  This is about mile 9.  We were doing good to finish better than our first race last year, and then my partner hit a wall. It was mile 11.  The strange thing was, I felt good. I felt really good.  I have never had that happen before (this was my 4th half marathon) and it really made me happy.  She told me to go ahead, and I did, with only a mile and half left.  

Here is the miracle... NO, I didn't have a fabulous time. It was my second best half yet.
 BUT....even better....I felt JOY. I felt GREAT.  My legs felt good, my breathing was good, my head was clear, and I felt so blessed to even be there.  To have the health to be running, to know my kids and husband were waiting at the finish, to know I got my fat butt up off the couch and made myself do this- in 3 MONTHS- it all just came swirling up to this great moment of happiness and peace, at mile 12.  I was so happy to finish happy.

That is why you should run.

Oh yeah, and your kids will think the medals are cool

Honestly, it was a great experience.  Much more than a runners high- just a true moment of happiness. And you don't have to be the first one done to feel it. I am living proof that slowly but surely can still bring you joy.

As we pulled away from the finishing area a young girl jumped out of a car ahead of us to puke on the side of road. My 13 year old turned to me and said, very seriously, "good job, mom."  The puking must have made it a little more real for him.  

By the way- this is my true badge of honor.

running toes

I know, it's gross....my pedicure is done for and my second toe is black.  But it didn't hurt at all while I ran, it still doesn't, but it  keeps getting blacker and blacker. I am sort of fascinated by it, so I haven't painted my toenails yet.  I can't wait to see it shed, if it does. Don't let it scare you off.  I look hard core to my kiddos.

Hopefully you can recommit to something you have let slip. 

Take it from me...it feels so good to rediscover it.

My 1/2 Report

It came it went- and here are the gory details

2 days before. I wake up with a sore throat. Yes, I am sick. I am running sick.
Is that cramps? I am so blessed to have my ladies curse right now?
Really, universe? Oh well.

Day before- walk around Legoland all day dreaming of sleeping. Where will I find my energy?
Day of- can't sleep, so excited. Unbelievable lines for the bathrooms- I have to get in one. I am nervous- I smile for the camera (no that is not a side pony tail- that is another ladies hair behind my head). It is like a rally but everyone is athletic.....it is infectious. Can I hit my target time of under 2:45 (time predicted for my 5k pace of a 10 minute mile).

Race starts. Bands play, breeze flows, it feels great. I pass a lot of my wave and catch up with the 2:30 pacer. I get excited as I slowly pull in front of him. I feel sooo good. I go.

I run a few miles. Gotta pee, oh great.
See a small line and sweep out of the race to get in it.
Wait a few minutes..... wait a few more...there goes the 2:30 pacer past the porta-potty....
I take my squat and get back in the race, and never catch up to him.

I slosh water down, I wave at the sidelines, I want to cry for joy when I see my kids and hubby waiting to cheer and take my picture. I hit the turn around point, I shed my jacket...I run and run and run.

At mile 9 I toss my jacket to my kids and keep going. At mile 10 people start dropping. I see a girl puking. A grown man rubbing his calves, wincing in pain by the side of the road. At this point a lot of my wave starts walking. I keep running, but can tell I am slowing down.

I hit a down hill slop (thank goodness) it is mile 11.
I feel like someone is slapping the back of my legs, but keep going.
I feel good other than the leg thing...a good song comes on, I am getting blissfully emotional, I can see the last turn, and I want to cry I am so happy.

I take the turn and truck up the hill to the finish. I am so excited to grab my medal. My kids look proud as they gather around and hug and hold me.....
I did it.

After race- we walk in the nearby mall to eat. A random woman says "Hey, good job" when she sees my medal. I want to kiss her for noticing and tell her "I am not a runner! I did not run ever until 18 months ago! I did it all by myself!!!!" But I just say...."Thanks".
I go to use the restroom and fall onto the toilet. I have no strength left in my body.
Later that night- I skip on dinner to stay in bed. I have no energy to dry my hair or put on makeup. Hubby brings home dinner and chocolate cake. I feel euphoric, in spite of exhaustion.

Day after. CAN. NOT. WALK. Ouch. My legs hurt. I am suddenly proud of my 2:38 time, realizing I could not have gone faster without dying.

I moan and whine the whole drive home (10 hours). I pull myself up the stairs into bed and I am done.

Next day- I do two miles and feel good again.
Get a massage....
and I am back to normal.

Now, when can I run another one? I have to beat that lame-o time!

Gotta Run

2009 was the year I became addicted to running. I never thought it would happen.....

My relationship with running goes something like this. Mockery. Interest. Envy. Jealousy. Timid. Comfortable. Affectionate. Passionate.

This by no means indicates that I am a great runner. I waddle, I whine, and I only run outside in fair weather, but somewhere between mocking the idiots sweating on the streets and passionately craving a good day to slip on my shoes and head outside, I became a runner. Then the scale rewarded my running and I became excited.

I made a commitment and registered for a half marathon- and it is here. I will be running the course in Carlsbad along the shores and with the breeze this weekend.
I am doing it alone, which scares me more than anything, with no one to talk me out of walking and no stories to take my mind off which mile I am on.

I must have my ipod shuffle, my comfy Saucony shoes, and my pre-run puddings as part of my already well established running ritual.
I have to forget about the ankle that kept me down for a month. I must get over the ill-fitting temporary crown that attracts my tongue like a magnet. I must not worry that all of the runners I know were unable to join me.

Yes, I am scared.
but

I just gotta run.

art found at jillan tamaki

Random daily wrecks

We all have these moments......these moments of emotional meltdown when we realize we are weak. Some days we bounce back...other days we climb back in bed and let sleep help us forget... here are 3 random thoughts of life today, now that I made it out of bed to type them:

My sweet son who used to tease me, joke with me, and yes...sit by me and talk my ear off , has turned the teenage key. His answers are grunts. My suggestions followed by an eye rolling, or worse, nothing. Dropping him off for school today he didn't even acknowledge me the whole ride (well- it is a block, and he was holding a poster.. but still!). He will always be my baby. Do I have to rock him after he has fallen asleep? I know teenagers are supposed to hate their parents, but I somehow figured my diligent love and steady flow of parental attention would make my family rise above it. I was wrong, and it hurts.

The caffeine battle has been won...by caffeine. I quit buying Diet Coke. I started munching on extra snacks instead....I was so tired I would sleep..... I was hungry all the time.... I could not get enough sugar, I swear, and I had no energy...and my eyes..they hurt to hold open. I am tired of putting on weight, and my house has suffered. The kitchen- the laundry, all of it. I am considering Diet Coke once again as one of life's sweet mercies. I will try not to start it at 7:00 a.m., and I have vowed to drink more water, but for now, for the sake of my sanity and marriage and kids, I am back to the sipping of the soda.....

Also- don't stop by and visit me today if you just drank alot. My bathroom door hinge broke and I can't close it. It will be open for every bathroom break, shower, and bath. Old houses are so cool. (And my teenager is furious about it.)

I have no reason to complain, but....

I am going to do it anyway.


I really should be dancing with twinkly flowers falling from my heels as I go, but instead I am sulking around the house. Why, may you ask? Why?

I am not excatly sure. Perhaps it is the NEWS and the same stupid politics as usual and realizing they really DON'T CARE about US as a people at all....
perhaps it is the dreary weather and my need for sunshine and warm air (no, the tanning bed isn't cutting it)
perhaps it is the Sundays and the tricky kids (that's one way to describe them) that I chase around for hours and come home and crawl into bed with exhaustion over
perhaps it is the son who is still missing assignments
or the son in new braces that have to be cranked and I can't crank the device
perhaps it is the bill that came with the braces....and the fact that Ihave been paying debt FOREVER and feel like I will be paying it FOREVER more...
perhaps it is the number on the scale
or the fact that everyone else in my running group is way way better than I am
perhaps it is the messy house I don't even care to clean


on days like this I often resort to the following measures;





(actual cake I drove to the store and bought just for myself on a similar bad day...I know, don't say anything about the scale bit)

see....it is like nothing REALLY is wrong, but I kind of wish I could disappear for a few weeks and come back happy and bubbly and funny again.
Allow me this misery for a few more days...then , please join me in praying it will GO AWAY!

The Latest Pages

Well, seeing as how I am back to counting calories, I feel starving, I added a power pump class to my week and haven't lost an ounce, I am not in the mood to write anything funny or nice. (Plus no caffeine lately! Really? Body, are you sure?)

I am going to have to celebrate something different. I haven't had time to watch LOST yet (just need to get the kids out the door and plop down with blankies) so we are on to my next source of comfort. My pages.

I have really been working to complete the adorable Lisa Bearnson book I have, and adding these few pages has been an acoomplishment for me. Her book is so easy, with pieces included and instructions spelled out, so smothering it with more stuff is just the icing on the cake for my creative impulses.

The LOVE page ......






















And the feeling pages....(not journaled yet- to spare you the curiousity and embarassment of reading my silly fears temper pushers)













Now, doesn't that take some of the sting out of this mornings weigh in?

Actually, NO, it doesn't. But I hope you enjoy them anyway.