Why sad days scare me

My sweet little-gotta go- excuse to visit- reason to buy books- highlight the pages book club just finished The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

I was shocked to hear that most of my little group couldn't relate at all to Esther's plight. I , on the other hand, was the only crazy in the room that TOTALLY got it. I have been Esther, way too many times in my life.

I was a brooding teen, depressed and low in self confidence, yet I managed to still have a blast with the right people. I struggled off and on with depression, complete with crying spells, over eating for comfort, and chopping off of hair in an effort to feel beautiful.

After the birth of my 3rd child, it hit full force. I was stuck in a foul-aired bell jar and I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to get up, clean, cook, or live. I often loaded my kids in the car and drove in circles, crying the whole time. I contemplated pulling 'a Marie Osmond' and driving away by myself. All I needed was my VISA and a pair of shoes....most days finding that much was an effort. I did stupid things, I was a horrible wife, and I just pretended to be a normal woman. It was the most horrible, darkest, loneliest time ever.

I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say, I did not value life. A summer on anti-depressants stopped the crying fit that had lasted days, but left me feeling hollow and robotic. After 4 months I went off it, never to look back.

I have learned a lot since then, and never been quite in the place I was at my lowest years, but bad days still scare me, especially if I have more than a few in a row. I can't help but worry- what if I start crying and can't stop? What if my children literally cause me to snap? What if ? What if?

On a good day, these thoughts make me laugh, roll my eyes, even admit how silly I can be, but on a bad day, they are more real than anything I know. So while I have had a little spell of bad days creeping around me lately I rely on what works for me now. Running to pounding music. Prayer and Temple visits. Massage and yoga. A treat by myself. A good book. A long, long nap. Taking vitamin B complex and St John's Wort, A weekend with my husband. He doesn't understand why I can't just 'shake it off' on these days, but he is very patient with them.

I guess part of this post is confession for why I have not blogged as much lately. Looking at the computer causes me to feel overwhelmed and anxious.

But today is a good day. Life is good. And to anyone who isn't feeling up let me just say..
I have been there.

PS- Kendra won my chocolate! Hope it brings a smile!

If I had money to burn

I would buy you all one (or two) of these......

They are THAT GOOD

I am not a huge 3 Musketeers fan, but come on, I am not really going to turn one down.....

I was a little more excited about the mint option, mostly because of the dark chocolate coating, BUT THIS, this is something to crow about.

The thin crispy cookie is better than that of a Twix. The truffle like mouse filling is just fluffy enough that it almost melts in your mouth.

The chocolate coating is the perfect taste of milk chocolate.

I got one and that is all it took...

I am going back to the store tomorrow after my appointments in the morning, and I am prepared to clear the shelf.

Tell Dave Ramsey I am now making a "3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp" envelope, to help me know when to stop..............

How many of these would I need for a 2 year supply?

To prove I am serious I am going to mail an unspecified number of these to one lucky reader. It may be one (I doubt it) or it may be 5, or it may be 50 (doubt that too).

Leave me a comment- and you are entered.

Link me up in any way (lets spread the word about a candy bar worth buying) and let me know for another entry...

...and in the meantime, if you see one at the checkout, try it out and let me know!

This is Why we Sing

I haven't written about this yet, but for the past week or so my sweet grandma has been in the hospital. You can read more about my grandma and her ways in this blog post, one of many that my sister has written on her fabulous blog.

I have this picture that I snapped of my kids on Halloween, with grandma the willing participant, in her Santa style Yankees hat (she is a die hard, completely hard core, fanatic for the Yankees).
Her eyes, which once spent countless hours stitching quilts or painting ceramics she would most likely give to others, are now pretty much gone. We had a lot of explaining to do as she tried to understand the boys costumes, but she had plenty of goodies to hand out none the less.

My brother wondered if anyone would want to go visit her in her hospital- our sister Julie had been on overtime there and had to return to her out of town home, so we worried she might be lonely and needing a Sunday boost. We sent out a late night text, and to my amazement one by one my busy siblings showed up, hymn books in hand, ready to sing.

We had compiled a list of our favorites, but grandma had her own requests. As we sang them, one after the other, her eyes slipped closed..... her lips mouthed the words, and sometimes her head would fall to the side as her emotions just over took her and she sobbed.

"How Great Thou Art" was nothing short of a miracle, for we somehow made it through it, yet we were all crying as she shook and gripped her hospital sheets, trying to sing along, her face wrenched tight in determination.

She insisted we had the voices of angels, and she said she had no idea we could sing that way. We ended with"America the Beautiful" and I could feel Grandpa, who passed away over 11 years ago, smiling on our patriotic selection.

After we finished she decided out loud, "I am the envy of all the hospital!" but she quickly scolded herself for saying such a prideful thing out loud.

She turned to us with her blurry, unfocused eyes, and said, "I don't know how much longer I'll live, but that was so great, I won't forget it for the rest of my life." Then she blew a kiss across the room.

I love you, Grandma.

They say you never forget

They say you never forget how to ride a bike.
I have not owned my own bike since I was 12......or so
Meet my Novara
I can ride it 9 miles (my furthest yet) without crying because my behind hurts.
I feel like Mary Poppins with a helmet on.

I am not good at hopping up to the side walk, as these photos will testify




And yes, it hurts as bad as it looks. On the other hand.....does this make me tough? I am one of those girls with road rash

loving the caption....
if it has tires or scratches itself, you're going to have trouble with it

accepting condolences or admiring comments about my toughness now

LIfe is a Stage

One of my hobbies in life is being on stage. I was raised in a home where every day was a performance, either for one of my 12 siblings or parents, or for myself in front of the large living room window, which had a reflection that could rival any dance studio's walls of mirrors.

This from my Junior Year, in "Bye Bye Birdie"- of course I was the noisy loudmouth friend, "Ursula".

Later I started spending time in community theater, with my family sometimes, in shows like "Hello Dolly" and "Fiddler on the Roof" (probably still one of my lifetime favorites.) Most days our home was filled with music. I used to brag about knowing all the songs to "Jesus Christ Superstar" like a musical rebel, but acting out shows and singing along was just part of our every day lives.

When I got married, I kind of moved on. I spent nights with my husband and spent days at work, and then the kids came along and theater was just a lucky once in a while visit. Until 2006, when my grandma and mom both encouraged me to try out for "CATS".
I had a horrible audition, but luckily made it to call backs where I secured a spot as Demeter, and never looked back.
My local moment in the spotlight included being featured on the front of the Entertainment Guide for the paper.

The paper feature, applause, or even the flowers from my ever patient hubby (whom I had to gently 'remind' that flowers are an opening night tradition), were not what captured me that summer. What grabbed me by the heart and has never let go was the simple process of performing. Singing and dancing. Performing like a little kid and being part of an amazing production. I followed with a small part in "Seussical", and last summer had the chance to play the part of a lifetime in "Wizard of OZ", including flying and throwing fire from a broom

This year the madness has taken a whole new turn, as I got a part in "Joseph and the Amaazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" not just alone, but with all of my kids. My oldest son is "Benjamin", Joseph's youngest brother, and my younger boys are in the children's chorus. We load up every night from Tuesday through Friday and most Saturday mornings and head over to do our part in being part of this amazing show. It has been a blast (but adding to the busy summer schedule) and I am glad for the fun we have had....

Mostly though, I think about what music and creativity brought to my life as a young girl smack dab in the midst of a somewhat crazy household, and I think of the power music still has in my life- along with the gift of being able to share a performance with other people. Those are the things that make me most passionate and most excited for the summer ahead- and the chance to pass it along to a new generation of young crazy kids.

Poor Blog

Theater auditions and lunches with friends

Scout hikes and pinewood derby

and early morning running

and no post on the blog

Mother's Day cards and coupons from kids

Ipad and bikes and gadgets and gizmos

Clients and oils and Dr. appointments with Grandma

no time for my poor little blog

TV series and political rantings

State Delegate drama and powerful prophecies

Haunting books and book club breakfasts, another dead kitty and endless tears

no time to blog

Choir Concerts and piano lessons

Two 5-ks and a new pair of shoes

Birthday Treats and yearbook needs

poor, poor, blog

Packing and planning for a weekend away

Student Council posters (and rejection) and end of year reports

Genealogy and ancestors stories

and still no time to blog

....is anyone else finding May to be the busiest time of the year?

sometimes I wish I could slow it all down-
I enjoy this life
I just don't want to miss it

Neither Julie or Julia

For all of you who enjoyed the fellow-blogger movie "Julie and Julia" I just have to ask-

did it make you want to cook?

Did it make you want to shop for ingredients and pots and pans ?

Did it make you want to throw a dinner party?

See, I am neither a Julie or a Julia, I am not gifted in the kitchen, although I did make wedding cakes for a while to earn extra cash from home.... but I never took Home Ec and I cried when my mom made me make hamburger patties out of raw meat.

But dinner is another thing. And this movie made me want to stop whining about my ugly kitchen and start cooking. Add to that my sister's enthusiasm for "The Food Nanny", which she got me hooked on, and I decided to stop making excuses and start learning how to cook.

I have a goal to make at least 2 new recipes a week...anything goes, from cookies to casserole, in the quest of expanding my dinner choices.

So far my kids have given the thumbs down to the lemon pound cake I made and the parsley potatoes we tried. A scalloped ham and potato dish got their approval, while the rack of BBQ ribs I burned to a crisp were still picked at, in spite of the charcoal outer coating. I should add I made the most DIVINE brownies ever, and had to give myself a pat on the back. The chicken enchilada soup my friend made (and handed me the recipe with a smile) has become a new crock pot favorite. I DVR Sandra Lee and Food Nanny and take notes. (Why do they all cook with their hair down? Am I the only one that sheds?)

I will not be blogging in general about my cooking adventures, but just wondered how other moms hold it together and manage to come up with a dinner every night. (Again, Food Nanny is helping me here). I am in awe of the well set table.

I love the idea of a sit down meal more often- Tv off and everything.

I am anxious to hear what the dinner traditions are in other busy homes. I believe that dinner time is important, and determined to bring my family together around the table more than I have in the past.

Shy Shameless Plug

I have been a massage therapist for over 8 years now. It has had it's fabulous moments, and it's trying moments, but I am overwhelmed often by the gift this work has been in my life.

I am a big believer in the power of natural remedies for a lot of our trials, but not anti-doctor by any means. To me it's all about balance. I have used oils in my practice since the start (I used them before I was a therapist), and I have a lot of clients request referrals for good oils, or ask to buy them from me. I have never sold anything in my therapy...until now. I tried a few samples of these oils and had to have them. I know they will boast they are 'more clean" (blah blah blah") and 'more pure' (yadda yadda yadda) , but I don't care about that. Maybe I should, but doesn't every one say that stuff?

I want oils that smell fresh- every time I open the bottle. I want oils that make my mouth water, or that make my soul sigh. I want oils that my kids beg to have me rub on their head when they feel worn out and need to bond.

That is what I found. So this will be my only shameless plug for Doterra oils. I have a link on my side bar, but honestly, I don't care where you find your choice of good oils. Just let them help you get out of whatever funk you are in, and don't be afraid to be picky.

I have stopped earaches before bed, leg cramps after a soccer game, headaches of a teenage boy, Diet Coke cravings (yes, it's true. It is amazing what a drop of lemon oil in a water bottle can do), and my biggest testimonial- I grabbed my SOLDERING IRON by the HOT end after it had been on for 2 hours- while throwing a craft fit. (Do you ever throw those when a craft goes bad?) I literally heard my finger sizzle. Ouch.

Anyway, I slathered that finger in oil and wrapped it with a band-aid. No ice, no boo0-hooing, well, maybe I boo-hooed for a minute, but it only hurt a few minutes, then the pain stopped. The next day there was no welt, no blister, no burn, no red. My finger looks perfect. That was all it took. I became a walking testimonial.

I have an AWESOME reference guide, too. So if you have oils that you haven't used for a while or if you need a tip on something that is bugging you- from warts to cramps- just e-mail me. I would be happy to look something up for you if you give me time to respond, and we will cross our fingers together that you will have the same results I have had.

I had to brag for a minute......

and now, back to your regular scheduled blog.

Random bits of Lovely

It's been a while since I linked to Cindy at Romantic Homes, and every time I do it challenges me to find something pretty to look at- not that my glamour shot below isn't absolutely gorgeous, but still...... I want to play in this link up, so here are a few little bits of lovely.

What is about dolls, vintage toys, and babies? This little bit has all three, how can you go wrong? A charm for a friend made in blog land, with a handmade envelope and label to greet her. It is nice to send something off to someone you know will appreciate it.
A photo of my charm, with a cool little charm necklace my husband bought home for me from Korea.


And finally, a quick home Do-It-Yourself tip that any girl can handle.

How to replace the hole in your poor, tattered, cottage's wall that your son made by practicing his throw against it Start by measuring the hole. This is very important, as you will see here.

You need to make sure it is covered

by the star on sale at your local decor store.

See, now doesn't that look better?

Glamour Shot Confession

If you came to read about my cruise- scroll down and read below (just pretend you are interested).

If you came to see me humiliated in the glamour shot closet confessions carnival hosted by Kristina P.- look no further. RamSam glamour girl, Circa 1991
The worst part of this whole scenario is the fact that I had the audacity to buy a LARGE POSTER of this shot and give it to my boyfriend, it was his Christmas present, and I was beside myself with love when I got these photos- and gave them to him.

I am sure his parents were completely creeped out by it. He did return it when we broke up, later. I believe I threw it away when I moved out.

Maybe someday I will grace you with my Olan Mills senior photos. Maybe.......

I had forgotten about this photo, until Kristina's post came along.

To see more glamour hotties follow the link on her blog!

Cruising through Life

I am now officially jealous of anyone going on a (warm) cruise. We returned last Sunday from our week of indulgence, and it still feels like a beautiful dream.
Now, I am not going to go through a play by play of the week, because it would take too long and I am pretty sure you really aren't interested. Instead let me hit you with a few highlights and the best and worst of the trip.
A few unexpected pleasures:
Waking at 5:00 am because I wanted to see a sunrise. No alarm, no plan, just a childish excitement to see the sun rise over Mexico. My hubby joined me on the front deck and we had the sunrise all to ourselves.
Seeing my hubby in flip flops and beach shorts. Cutest thing. Ever. He is a self-proclaimed flip-flop hater, so this was new for me.
How fun it would be to dance with Alexander, our waiter from Croatia, as he forced himself to dance through the dinner entertainment. He hated it, but after one night of me and my sisters dancing like maniacs by his side (how do you just sit for "Apple Bottom jeans...Boots with the Fur...") he waved us to his side after that. "Jai Ho" has never been so fun.
How great it would feel to be rocked to sleep by waves. Mmmm. Best sleep I have ever had without medication.
How blissful no cell phone could possibly be. No kids. No work calls. No e-mails or texts dinging. Just me and him...... and lots of food and sunshine. Paradise.

Small disappointments:
I did not swim as planned. The pools on the boat were cold. The hot tubs were not near hot enough for my liking, and while the sun was there for me, I was sad I couldn't frolic in the pool like I had hoped to.
The cruise photos were a rip off. From the Photos by Deb instructions, to the glossy Olan Mills prints, the photos on this cruise were pathetic. The lighting was horrible, and most of the ones I thought I would break down and buy for 20 bucks- were hideous. Good thing we took a lot on our own.
My sea legs were unbearable. I was swaying for 5 days after we got off the boat. It got worse on day 2 and 3, so bad I couldn't run one day. I had to stop and walk because I felt like the road was moving. I am so glad it has stopped! There were a lot of fabulous moments. From dinner with my sisters and parents (above), to what felt like endless shopping (both on the ship and the port), card games, Karaoke, delicious food, amazing chocolate cake, room service, dancing until 1 in the morning, giggling with my sisters, sightseeing in Mexico, zip lines and rock walls, holding hands and laying in the sun....there is just too much to say.


If you need a vacation let me just say this- for us, the cruise did not disappoint.

Gather round for Conference

For my fellow Latter Day Saint families I have wanted to share a little tradition our family does for conference, we have been doing it for several years now.

Each Conference season we pick a new puzzle for our family to work on. Over the years we have gotten quite efficient, cracking the puzzle on Saturday morning and setting a goal to finish it by Sunday night. I clear the living room and move our dining table in front of the TV, complete with goodies and munchies galore- free for the taking, IF you are helping with the puzzle.

As you can see we are still in jammies, hair undone and sodas already cracked. From the looks of the photo, this was Sunday afternoon, with the puzzle almost finished.

My kids are always excited to see what puzzle I pick out for us. (this was a Walter Wick puzzle, one of the displays we saw at an art museum)

Okay, turn your head to look at the puzzle. I have uploaded it 5 times and it keeps flipping it, regardless of the fact it is normal on my computer. *

The family loved this puzzle, plus it had a few "I SPY" elements or hidden goodies to find. Sometimes we will do a place we have been or a place we want to go. We get competitive, too, complete with a 'tap' of a piece, to let others know you are having success at your corner.

I will be the first to say it isn't perfect.

There may be bickering over which section of the puzzle someone gets to sit by, or who gets to finish the edge.....

But I have been amazed how this has changed our conference weekend. I have seen my kids get into the talks, commenting and talking about it with me as we work quietly. I have felt like we are growing closer and making memories, instead of 'shushing' each-other form across the the room. Most important, we all stay awake, eager to finish what we have started- and while there around the table together, gentle lessons are learned and vital conversations had.

I love our puzzle weekend, and just wanted to take a minute to write about how great it has been for our family.

This year I am boarding a cruise on conference weekend, hoping I get time to catch up with my DVR and the spiritual messages shared when I get back in town. I was surprised at how disappointed my kids were that we would miss our puzzle weekend. We may just have to make it up another Saturday, soon. It is satisfying as a mom to think they even care.

Me and My Big Mouth

(At the St. John's Chapel where Patrick Henry gave his "Liberty or Death" speech)

Well, political friends, tonight was the caucus meeting for my state and district. I showed up ready to hear what everyone else had to say, maybe contribute a thought or two, vote, take names of who is accountable for future reference, and head home.

I was among friends and strangers both, but everyone was there with a purpose- make a change in our leadership. Before I knew it, my name was nominated...and voted for...and won.

I am now a district delegate for the state and county conventions, AND the treasurer/secretary of my district.

Okay...keep breathing.

I want to be overwhelmed, really I do, but I just can't. I can't feel stressed or burdened. I can't force myself to feel nervous.

I feel great. I keep thinking about seeing this image in the Smithsonian:

This photo was taken as the original Star Bangled Banner toured the country after the battle of 1812. I stood at the feet of that flag and I tell you, it was nothing short of sacred. Singing the The Star Spangled Banner is a whole new experience for me, and the things I saw while on my "Freedom Tour" last year are still fresh on my mind.

I am bothered by 'representatives' that don't represent. I am bothered by a Congress that feels they know better than the people, and a President that feels he knows better than the people, and the whole lot of them, with the media tucked in their pocket telling the people they aren't smart, informed, or elite enough to know what is best for them.

I am searching for a Thomas Jefferson......anyone, from any state, who is not afraid to 'swear on the altar of God' that they will be willing to defend tyranny. For me, sitting in the Jefferson Monument, reading the Bill of Rights, pondering his God fearing words, was truly spiritual, inspirational, and sacred.
Could we visit the floor of the House today and feel it a sacred place? Would our national leaders vow to honor God, morality, or even the CONSTITUTION, and then vote true to their WORD?

This is why I have no qualms about being a delegate. I can't wait to actually have a voice, and talk to people, and encourage people to wake up.

It isn't much, I know, it won't change the country..... but it may change the voice my district sends to speak for us.

And if every district in the nation has people like me getting involved, and sending new representatives who are ready to listen to the people into Congress...well, then, now you see, that is how differences are made.