I was shocked to hear that most of my little group couldn't relate at all to Esther's plight. I , on the other hand, was the only crazy in the room that TOTALLY got it. I have been Esther, way too many times in my life.
I was a brooding teen, depressed and low in self confidence, yet I managed to still have a blast with the right people. I struggled off and on with depression, complete with crying spells, over eating for comfort, and chopping off of hair in an effort to feel beautiful.
After the birth of my 3rd child, it hit full force. I was stuck in a foul-aired bell jar and I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to get up, clean, cook, or live. I often loaded my kids in the car and drove in circles, crying the whole time. I contemplated pulling 'a Marie Osmond' and driving away by myself. All I needed was my VISA and a pair of shoes....most days finding that much was an effort. I did stupid things, I was a horrible wife, and I just pretended to be a normal woman. It was the most horrible, darkest, loneliest time ever.
I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say, I did not value life. A summer on anti-depressants stopped the crying fit that had lasted days, but left me feeling hollow and robotic. After 4 months I went off it, never to look back.
I have learned a lot since then, and never been quite in the place I was at my lowest years, but bad days still scare me, especially if I have more than a few in a row. I can't help but worry- what if I start crying and can't stop? What if my children literally cause me to snap? What if ? What if?
On a good day, these thoughts make me laugh, roll my eyes, even admit how silly I can be, but on a bad day, they are more real than anything I know. So while I have had a little spell of bad days creeping around me lately I rely on what works for me now. Running to pounding music. Prayer and Temple visits. Massage and yoga. A treat by myself. A good book. A long, long nap. Taking vitamin B complex and St John's Wort, A weekend with my husband. He doesn't understand why I can't just 'shake it off' on these days, but he is very patient with them.
I guess part of this post is confession for why I have not blogged as much lately. Looking at the computer causes me to feel overwhelmed and anxious.
But today is a good day. Life is good. And to anyone who isn't feeling up let me just say..
I have been there.
PS- Kendra won my chocolate! Hope it brings a smile!
